I’ve decided I’m just going to throw that out the window.
I know what my problem is. I don’t get out enough. I am the kind of person who has to constantly entertained. And when I don’t have that kind of mental stimulation, I get anxious.
And I feel that this could be a reason I get frustrated with people so often.
I hung out with Lindsay earlier today. We made cupcakes. Then I hung out with my boyfriend and daughter in the afternoon, and I just went out with Beverly. When I hang out with people I’m happy, even if it’s just staying in. But going out with my friend and just relaxing is the best medicine.
And weed always helps.
Just being able to relax is awesome for me. I don’t feel like I ever just stop and relax unless I’m high and out of my house.
AND I JUST REALIZED IT’S NOW MAY 21ST. Howdy everyone :)
Anyway, back to my epiphany… or whatever you call it.
I’ve decided that, at least once a week, I need to go somewhere. I don’t care if it’s a walk around the mall like an idiot.
I am going to make a vlog about this later, because it’s May 21st and I want to start doing my thing. Serious this time, you know? Since I’m still alive and all :) And also because it’s 12:10 in the morning and I can’t be too loud. Anyway, happy Rapture day or whatever.
I know I said I wouldn’t write about personal stuff, but it is now six o’clock in the morning. After smoking last night and drinking a little, I only slept for about two hours. How does that even happen?
Unfortunately, having On Demand makes it hard to go back to bed, especially when Sex and the City is on HBO and E! now. So please excuse me, when I’m high and watching SATC I get super… comparing? You know, when you focus so hard on what the people say and take it to heart? Well, I’m not really sure what was said that made me start thinking about my boyfriend, but now I’m really bothering myself and I don’t want to wake up my generals so I thought I’d just write about it and hopefully feel better.
And this is the first time in a ridiculously long time that I haven’t gone straight to Facebook as soon as I open the browser. So you know it’s serious.
My boyfriend and I had a rough start. For that, I didn’t trust him for a long time. It was right at the beginning, and I don’t know why I didn’t get out before I developed serious feelings. I know that if I had, it would have spared me a ton of headaches. However, I know that because I didn’t, I fell in love with him. He’s everything to me. I have not felt like this ever.
It has been argued that I’m so drawn to him because I went to middle school with him and had a HUGE crush on him and he knew about it, but he was never my “boyfriend” or however it goes in the 7th grade. I guess it’s like, “I FINALLY HAVE YOU!” Also, he is a “bad boy.” That could be a reason I want to be with him. It’s just that bad boy thing.
He has been awesome for the past two months or so. He turned 21 three months before I did and it was a nightmare. He went out all the time, blacked out, and one time came home all bloody and beat up and had no clue what had JUST happened. He had his little run with things and recently, he started slowing down with all the alcohol. Since turning 21 I’ve been to ONE bar (for a band, not for drinks) and I had margaritas at dinner with my mother twice. Like I said, not a huge drinker. And it pissed me off even more, because the entire time he was going out and getting wrecked he would tell me, “You’ll understand when you’re 21.”
But, like I said, he’s been fine for two months.
Since finally turning his interest back to me from alcohol, he calls me every night and tells me he loves me. If I don’t answer he blows up my phone with calls until I answer, at my request, of course. I’ve started to love these calls and I feel like I sleep better (ahem, I HAVE been up since 3).
A few times this week, he’s stayed at his friend’s new apartment. Now, there are five guys there, and I like four of his friends. But there is one guy who is just a monster. He was dating a girl when my boyfriend and I got together and I got somewhat close with the girl. She was a huge sweetheart, and this boy kept cheating and emotionally beating her up and is a total womanizer. This guy tried to convince MY SISTER and her friend to go to dinner with him and my boyfriend and this guy wanted to hook up with my sister and my boyfriend could have her friend. He didn’t tell my sister that my boyfriend was coming, but I saw the messages from him to my boyfriend on Facebook. HE was aware of the entire plan. To say I was revolted would be an understatement. Somehow, though, he weaseled his way back to me.
So this boy. I cannot stand him. My boyfriend even tells me how the kid is “not a good person,” but for some reason my boyfriend hangs out with him ALL THE TIME. It definitely makes me uneasy, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to worry about how it bothers me.
When he goes to his friend’s apartment, he will not call me and tell me goodnight. And it’s not even just that. He’ll text weird, too. He’ll have a long conversation with you over text for twenty minutes and then he’ll just stop texting, even after a question (see last night’s text [see: Heavy Rain] “What’s up with Jayden tripping about these drugs? He keeps snapping.”). Now, if I’d have said, “Where the eff are you?” or something of that nature, I can understand him not wanting to text back. But when we are in a long conversation about Heavy Rain and I ask you a fairly simple question, why wouldn’t you text back?
That was about 9:30 last night and the last time I talked to him.
So my question is, do I tell him it bothers me? I can tell him and he’ll be mad at me, but if I don’t tell him, will he get in the habit of doing this all the time? We are trying to move into an apartment and he is SO wrong if he thinks he will go out all the time like this. How should I go about this? I don’t know which makes me more unhappy: being with him or imagining us completely broken up. We’ve broken up before. The longest was a week and a half. It was for my 21st birthday, and even us being broken up didn’t make me go out to bars.
I just feel like I put everything I have into this, but we’ve been dating a year. His friends know he calls to tell me goodnight every night, so why can’t he just call me from the bathroom or go outside for the whole 10 seconds it takes for us to tell each other goodnight? I really don’t know at this point if it’s worth it anymore. I want to be with him so badly, but I don’t want to be like this. Bev actually said something absolutely perfect yesterday about her and her boyfriend. “Why can’t we just have a grown up relationship?” This is exactly right. The games have to stop. It’s time to put up or shut up.
I truly hate writing the first entry of a blog.
I hate that I have to figure out a way to introduce myself and give a specific “genre” to my blog. I don’t really want it to be a super personal blog, but sometimes I’ll probably throw some emotional entries in when I’m upset. I think, for now, I’m just going to smoke and write whatever I want.
At least, until I find what I want.
First of all, I go by Katapillar. I’m a huge dork. I enjoy spending my time with my Generals (my two best friends), playing all the video games I can get my hands on, and every so often I like to smoke. Not a huge drinker. No, sir. THAT is when I get embarrassing. But some Mary Jane here and there is fine by me.
My Generals. First, there’s LWoww. What I love about this girl is, whenever I call her because I need her, she is always there. I had a huge break up that totally devastated me back in October. I called her hysterical at eight in the morning (and this girl used to be asleep until eleven) and she drove to pick me up right away, smoke with me, and took me to see Paranormal Activity 2. That’s my baby. Then there’s Bev. Bev is a big sweetheart. She is the nicest person I’ve ever met and she’s perfect for just doing stupid stuff with. Hanging out in her truck and just talking is so normal for us. And that’s why I love these girls :)
I play video games as much as possible. Anytime I’m stressed or lazy, I’ll just throw something in and play. I guess about a year ago I got Heavy Rain and I didn’t finish it. I let my boyfriend play it and I never got to play it again. But he just bought it for me again yesterday and I’ve been playing it nonstop. I’m also on Mafia 2 for the third time through. Oh, and I HATE Sony. They’re still down. I just bought Mafia 2 again and Jimmy’s Vendetta is on it and because Sony is STILL down, I can’t download it. So salty. Also, I’m a huge LBP fan. And while it seems I’m totally Pro-PS3, the 360 is still my favorite console. I’ll go more into that later.
I love Nicki Minaj, I told her I’ll admit it, I hope one day we get married just to say we fucking did it… No, stop. I DO love Nicki though. My Generals and I are very serious about our Nicki. LWoww and I do the Nicki thing. Bev is sort of a new Barbie :) But for serious, I’ll go hard on her mixtapes. I got into her right before BMUS, and I cannot stand these Pink Friday bitches. Please, don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that Pink Friday was a bad album at all. I love it. I dig it. But, I hate the girls that got into her because of Your Love or Right Thru Me. The people that don’t know Massive Attack (and I still get sad when I listen to PF and this isn’t on it, even though I agree that it didn’t fit) but say they’ve been listening to Nicki since I Get Crazy. Ugh. I don’t know. Girls just annoy me :) My generals are the only girls I can hang out with daily.
Alright, well, I’m really dying to get back into my Heavy Rain and waiting on LWoww to come over. I’m sure I’ll find something else to write about soon.